A Day of House Calls
by St. Fang of Boredom
Summary: Sequel to A Day in Therapy.  Saint takes her therapist work on the road, bringing along her mismatched team of fictional characters. They already beat the worst Mary Sue ever, how bad could this be? Well, when it comes to Fanfiction, nothing's impossible.
1. A Digital Dilemma

Me: Welcome to...

Fang: The Sequel to the popular parody, **A Day in Therapy**...

Me: **A Day of House Calls!**

Fang: Saint takes her merry band of nutcases on the road!

Me: We can't wait around for people to come to us anymore! By the time they admit they have a problem, it's too late! We must make them see their problems, then fix them by force!

Fang: 'Cause _that_ doesn't sound unethical or illegal...

Me: Moving on!

**A Day for Disclaimers!: **Honestly, this story's in the 'Misc.' section for a reason. There's a lot I don't own. I could sit here and try to list it all, but the disclaimer would be longer than the story. So, I won't insult your intelligence and just let you use your common sense. You can figure out what I don't own and what I do, and if you're not sure, ask me. But, in any case, I don't claim to own what I don't own. It's that simple.

Fang: So...Are we moving into chapter one, or what?

Me: Did you remember to buckle Christian into his car seat?

Fang: Done.

Me: Has the oil been changed?

Pooky: All set!

Me: Brake lights tested?

Spiffy: All in working order!

Me: First aid kit packed?

Aragorn: It's in the glove box.

Me: Trailer hitched?

Quil: _It's all good, it's alright!_

Me: Parking tickets paid?

King Leonidas: Madness? THIS IS SPARTA! -smashes tickets-

Me: We're good to go!

* * *

Saint's POV

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times...

You just can't get good help these days.

"Is it really _that_ hard to hold those digimon off?" I yelled to my group.

"Don't you have some magical little balls to catch them in?" Fang yelled to me.

I facepalmed. "That's _Pokemon_, dumbshit. These are Digimon. You have to _have_ balls to stop them, not use them. So I guess that leaves you out."

Fang rolled his eyes. "Very funny..."

"Get back to helping the others." I told him, shooing him away. I turned back to the digimon. "So, state your problem again, please." I asked the one in front of me, Patamon. "I'm sorry, I was distracted."

"Well, besides the fact that evil digimon keep attacking us randomly, new digimon keep cropping up!" He explained.

"And their not like normal digimon." Gatomon added, standing next to her friend. "They're...Strange..."

"Ahh..." I said. "I bet someone out there is creating brand new horrible excuses for digimon." I snapped my fingers together, knowing what my plan of action was next. "It seems that we'll just have to sort through all the digimon and get rid of the strange ones!"

I turned to my group, who I had charged with holding back the herds of digimon that had come, seeking therapy. The sad part about my on-the-road work was that I had to pick and choose my patients. I could only choose those that couldn't come to the Center for help. The others I could, at least, direct to the Center.

"Alright, everyone, alright!" I yelled above the roars, squawks, and screams of the crowd. "I have to help where I can. I am able to give you all my card and directions to the Therapy Center. It's only one Magical Portal of Doom away! Please, could you at least stop trying to eat my assistants for a minute!"

I sighed in relief as BlackWarGreymon finally put Aragorn down and Seadramon spit Fang back out. I called off Quil, who had started the Gekomon in a rounding chorus of 'This Land is Your Land' and got King Leonidas to stop trying to 'conquer' Gotsumon.

"You just _had_ to drive right through a digital portal." Fang complained, trying to wipe digimon drool off of his jacket. "You held up that little device-thing and drove us into a computer full of man-eating data. I should have you put away."

"But that's my job, Fangles, not yours." I said, grinning. I loved owning that kid.

"My lady, I live to serve." Spiffy said, walking up to me. "But at times, I question your sanity."

"I don't bother questioning what's confirmed not to be there." Pooky muttered, walking up to my other side.

"The War of the Ring was less stressful than this job." Aragorn added.

"Conquer." King Leonidas said, sitting down with his sword.

_"Oh, the sun'll come out tomorrow!"_ Quil began to sing.

"Shut up, Quil!" The others yelled back to him.

The only non-dissenting voice was Christian, who was happily clapping his hands in his stroller nearby.

I placed my hands on my hips, staring at my therapy team. "I am appalled. I assembled you because you are all the best of the best!"

"I thought it was because we're not as easily emofied." Pooky pointed out.

"Giving you all strong willpower!" I responded. "Now, show me your strength, your courage. For crying out loud, stop whining and DO YOUR DAMN JOBS!"

My team grumbled and griped, but they got up and began following my orders to get the assembled digimon lined up for interviewing. I had them line up in four different lines, planning on having myself, Fang, Pooky, and Spiffy interview them each individually while Aragorn, King Leo, and Quil with Christian patrolled the lines and kept order.

I clapped my hands together, calling my group back to me and telling them the plan.

"Commence!" I announced, heading off to my place.

"I blame you and your damn DeLorean." I heard Spiffy mutter to Fang.

"Hey, you want me to shove this Elder Wand up your-"

"I SAID COMMENCE, DAMN IT!" I yelled, flipping around to face my dissenters.

They scattered like little ants.

I sighed, resuming my walk to my position.

If this kept up, I was going to have to give myself anger management.

* * *

Spiffy's POV

"So...State your name again?"

"MickeyMousemon!" The Disney-based creature announced to me in its strangely-pitched voice.

"And...You're a digimon?"

The cat bait nodded vigorously. "Oh, yes! I'm the happiest digimon of all! I like to wave my magic wand, drive my magic boat-"

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard enough. Here's your papers." Lady Saint had given us two types of papers that the digimon were to bring with them when they reached the therapy center. One paper, when scanned, signified that they were a legitimate digimon in need of therapy. The other signified them as a...Well, it signified they were going to need help 'transitioning' out of the digital world. What my lady meant by 'transitioning', I don't know. I don't want to know.

"Bye bye!" MickyMousemon said, waving his overlarge white hand at me as he left. I shuddered. Humans had created that strange creature?

Humans are sick individuals.

* * *

Pooky's POV

"You know, you look kind of familiar..." I said to the so-called 'digimon' in front of me.

"I get that a lot." He answered, shrugging.

"So...What are you powers again?" I asked.

"Epic Song Writing and Tax Evasion." He answered with a smile. "I can also make stressful situations peaceful."

"That's great, Uhhh..." I looked at the name on the paper. "JohnLennonmon. Here's your papers and I hope to see you at the center soon."

He nodded to me, fixing his glasses before striding off.

Why was he so familiar again? Was he a politician? A writer? An ice cream salesman?

Oh well...

* * *

Saint's POV

"And I can shoot magical beams of light from my forehead! And chew on things! And...Oh, but you know all this already!"

I stared. I'd been staring for the past five minutes. I was shocked, horrified. This was an embarrassment. Blasphemy. It couldn't be...

"Saint...Are you ok?" Asked Puppymon, tilting his head to the side.

I began madly filling out the paper in front of me. "Look, I'll make you a deal. You'll have a nice, comfy job, good food, and a place to stay for eternity. Just...Don't tell anyone who your creator is, ok?"

Puppymon smiled, chuckling. "Saint, no one's going to blame you for creating a Digi-Sue when you were nine years old."

"I have a reputation to uphold." I said flatly. "Please?"

Puppymon nodded, winking. "The secret is safe."

As the little Digi-Sue walked off, I facepalmed, still trying to erase the horror from my mind.

What the Hell was I thinking at nine years old?

* * *

Fang's POV

"Could, you, uhh... Say that again?" I asked the strange creature in front of me.

"My name's Buddle-bimp-hippo-condo-turk-o-soup-snape-fic-yun-gondra-mon." He said, smiling. Well, I think he was smiling. Heck, I'm not even sure if that strange blob was a he.

"Yeah... Here's your paper." I said, handing him a paper. I didn't need to ask any further questions. I didn't need to be disturbed any further.

I was about to call up the next digimon, when there was a yelling heard from somewhere near the back.

"Let us through, let us through!" Yelled a voice. "We need to see the therapist!"

"Yeah, you and everyone else." I muttered, standing to see if I could see who was causing the commotion.

A few minutes later, to strange little digimon, one a yellow bunny and the other a white...Dinosaur-thing in a pink skirt walked about. Behind them walked a blond-haired girl and two boys who looked ready to kill each other. One was wearing red and had goggles on his head and the other in blue with a blue bandana and a ponytail.

"We need some advice!" Yelled the little white dino-dude. Wait, that thing's a dude? Then...What about the skirt?

Saint got up and calmly made er way over, the black cloak flowing along behind. "Ah, Season Four visitors. What's the problem?"

"These two." The little dino said, pointing to the boys. "We had enough trouble with them fighting, anyway, but now they won't stop fighting over Zoe!" He said, pointing to the girl.

"I see." Saint said. "Obviously, there's some sort of pairing war going on in the fandom currently." She shook her head. "And _this_ is what they get for only having one main female character! Ugh!"

She turned to the two boys. "Hello? Takuya? Kouji?" She waved a hand in front of their faces, breaking up their glare-off. "Hi, the name's Saint. I hear you need some help."

"It's all his fault!" They said in unison, pointing to each other.

Saint made a 'calm down' motion with her hands. "Alright, alright...Let's settle this. Now, according to current counts, there are more Kouji and Zoe fics than Takuya and Zoe, which would make Kouji the winner there, But, Takuya and Zoe have an obvious chemistry in the Digimon Universe. So..." She paused for a minute. "You know, Kouji, if you want to give the Italian chick up, I know where you could get a second date..."

Ok, can I stop time for a second?

Is Saint...Flirting with a potential client?

Yes, yes she is.

Ok, start time up again, I need to react.

At that point, I walked up next to Saint, giving her a slight nudge with my wing. "Solve their problem, missy."

"I'm trying to." She said, crossing her arms.

"Solve the problem _professionally_." I added, glaring down at her.

She glared back for a moment, then sighed, turning away. "I hate your tallness." She turned to the boys. "Ok...How about we try something revolutionary and ask the girl?" She turned again, this time to Zoe. "Which one do you like better?"

She bit her lip, nervous to say an answer. Finally, she squeaked something out that could only be lip read as 'Takuya'

"Alright, we have a decision!" Saint said, clapping her hands. "Now, Kouji-"

She had started to turn back to them, but the boys were already rolling around on the ground, punching each other before she'd made it the whole ninety degrees. We both stared at them, not able to think of a word to say for a while.

"How...Mature..." Saint said sarcastically.

I nodded in agreement. "We should get back to the digimon."

* * *

It took the entire freaking day to sort through all those digimon. There were freaking thousands! somehow, though, we managed and were finally through just in time to break for dinner.

As for the two boys, well, they finally beat themselves unconcious. We stepped over them on our way to the van.

"Well, that was...Eye-opening." Saint commented.

"Yeah, you had to keep your eyes wide open to take in all those creatures." Spiffy said.

"No, no, I mean the volume of effect the Magic of Fanfiction is having! I obviously need to have more of these house call type teams. Maybe, once you're all trained-"

"We can train other people to come out here?" Pooky asked.

"I was more thinking you'd all come out yourselves." Saint said.

"I'm not coming out. Never." Aragorn said.

"Legolas will be depressed to hear that." Saint said to him, grinning.

"Why?" Aragorn asked, sounding puzzled.

The rest of us jumped into the van, suppressing laughter.

That was probably the best thing I'd heard all day...

* * *

Me: And there you have it! Chapter 1!

Fang: Do you have an explanation for Puppymon?

Me: ...Momentary lapse of judgement and imaginative skill.

Fang: What does Puppymon digivolve to, do I dare ask?

Me: ...Dogmon.

Fang: -facepalm-

R&R?


	2. The Wheels on the Bus Just Aren't Enough

Me: So, I was just going to post chapter one and leave it at that, but I suddenly felt like writing this little mini-chapter to go with it.

Fang: It's very short.

Me: But full of joy and happiness and...Joyness...

Fang: -facepalm-

* * *

Saint's POV

"Christian, honey, don't cry." I said as I tried to drive the van and soothe my little adopted son, who was sitting behind me with Quil. He had started crying after we had hit a particularily nasty bump and wouldn't stop.

"Maybe you can try to sing him a song?" Pooky suggested.

I quickly started the first song that popped into my head. "_The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round._"

Though Quil quickly jumped in and sang along, I had to ignore the groans from the rest of the passengers. What a bunch of spoil sports...

Quil and I made it through every verse we knew of the song, but Christian was still whimpering. When we hit the last verse, I panicked for a second.

"Uhh...Ummm..." I said, trying to think of other things on a bus. "The...Uhh..._Wolf on the bus just sings along!"_ Got it! "_Sings along! Sings along! The wolf on the bus just sings along! All through the town!"_

I looked into my rearview mirror, looking for my next inspiration.

_"The bird kid on the bus sulks away! Sulks away! Sulks away! The bird kid on the bus sulks away! All through the town!"_

Fang shot me a look, but kept his mouth shut.

_"The hobbit on the bus goes munch munch munch!"_ I said, watching Spiffy eat out of a jello cup. "_Munch munch munch! Munch munch munch! The hobbit on the bus goes munch munch munch! All through the town!"_

_"The penguin on the bus just glares at me. Glares at me. Glares at me. The penguin on the bus just glares at me. All through the town."_

_"The King on the bus is car sick! Car sick! Car sick! The King on the bus is car sick! All through the town."_

_"Leonidas on the bus is conquering! Conquering! Conquering! Leonidas on the bus is conquering! All through the town!"_

Christian had nearly calmed down at that point, but he was still letting out small whimpers. I needed one more verse! But what?

"_The therapist on the bus is driving us nuts. Driving us nuts. Driving us nuts. The therapist on the bus is driving us nuts. All through the town."_

I stared back into my rearview mirror as Christian finally calmed down and fell asleep. But I wasn't watching him. Rather, our newest singer with the wonderfully deep voice.

"You can thank me." Fang said, curling up in his seat. "By staying quiet for the rest of the ride."

Trust me, Fang. I'm now speechless.

* * *

Me: I love your singing voice.

Fang: Good for you.

Me: You're such a songbird.

Fang: Or not...

Me: My little chickadee...

Fang: -gags-

R&R?


	3. This Means War

This chapter took FOREVER to finish!

Fang: A little over a month, I think.

Me: I worked on it, ditched it, worked on it again. It turned out so random, I'm surprised it goes together at all.

Fang: It doesn't. It's just... Weird.

Me: Whole story's weird. I'm posting it anyway.

Fang: So, the readers will need a backstory...

Me: Oh, yeah...

**Backstory:**

Supposedly, my co-worker, Jay, and I are supposed to wage war on Mt. Olympus over some rumors that I may or may not have spread about him and Richard. :P As I was trying to think of the next chapter for this story, Jay was texting me about our battle and I was... Inspired.

I just chose some random characters I thought Jay would have as allies and... Ran with it.

Fang: And this mess developed.

Me: At least it's finally done.

Fang: Let's just get this insanity posted already.

Me: Ok... By the way, can anyone catch where I got the idea for Zeus's texting habits from?

* * *

Fang's POV

"Move it, bucko, I'm drivin' here!"

"SAINT!" I yelled from the back seat. "Can you cool it with the road rage?"

"The -censored- -censored- cut me off!" She screeched from the front, making a scarily sharp turn. Why New York City? And with Saint driving? I was now sure Saint did NOT have a driver's license. How she never got caught, I don't know. Somehow, with her questionable driving skills, we'd still managed to survive, but now that we were in rush hour New York City traffic, I was getting worried. I had actually grabbed a notebook and was attempting to write my will. Problem was, I didn't really know what I had to bequeath to anyone.

I at least wished I knew why we were here. Saint hadn't told us a thing except that she had to follow up on a client. God knows what that could mean. We could be going over to see Donald Trump for all I knew. Or helping Fievel find his way west. Or picking up Jimmy Buffett's dry cleaning.

What the Hell happened to my life?

Another stomach-lurching turn and we came to a screeching halt in a parking space beside a tall building.

Thing was, the parking space was a parallel parking spot. But Saint hadn't parallel parked. Saint had managed to do a complete one hundred and eighty degree turn and slide into the parking space like we were in a James Bond movie or something.

We sat in silence for a few moments, the majority of us holding onto those little handlbars above the doors for dear life.

Christian began to clap, giggling like only a little kid can do.

"_These are the moments, I thank God that I'm alive!" _Quil sang.

"Me too, Quil." I told him, surprised I could still speak. I had felt the color drain from my face as we went into the spin. My eyes were temporarily stuck wide open in shock.

"I want to go back to Middle Earth." Aragorn said. "In Middle Earth, we have horses. Horses do not screech. Horses do not spin. Horses do not go faster than the human body was meant to go. Horses...Do not make me sick." He went flying out of the car at the moment, to lean over a nearby trash can instead.

"Madness?" King Leonidas asked.

I nodded. "Yes, Your Majesty. Madness."

"THIS. IS. SPARTA!" The King lept out of the car and proceeded to 'conquer' Aragorn's trash can.

"Well, this is our stop, ya wimps." Saint said with a grin. "Everybody out!"

"My pleasure." Pooky said, hopping out of the Vehicle From Hell. "I'd be happy to get out of there permanently."

"Ditto, my friend, ditto." Spiffy agreed, following.

I followed the others out, taking a moment after to look up at the building that was our destination. My first impression of it was that it was, well, tall. Very tall. Lots of windows. I would try to describe how tall, but that was impossible, seeing as the very top of the building was shrouded in clouds.

"Welcome to The Empire State Building, everyone!" Saint said, waving her arms at it with a flourish. "Now come. Our next destination...The top floor!"

I looked up at the building again and sighed. I really hoped she hadn't signed us up for bungee jumping.

* * *

Once inside, the rest of the group stood in the middle of the lobby while Saint went and had a quick chat with the guy behind the desk there. I watched them out of the corner of my eye, curious. Saint flashed him some kind of I.D. He nodded and I saw her hand him something that looked like it might be money. She then headed for the elevator and motioned for us to follow.

I was one of the last people to walk up to the elevator, and once I saw how much room wasn't going to be available in it, I almost didn't go in at all.

"Maybe I'll just...Fly up..." I started to say.

"You _can't_ fly up." Saint said. "Now come on, you'll hold us up."

"I am _not_ getting in that tiny contraption." I told her, but she completely ignored me. Instead, she grabbed me by the front of my shirt and hauled me into the cramped elevator, quickly punching the 'door close' button before I could escape.

And then, we were on the move upwards. Moving toward the sky inside an overstuffed sardine can. I was stuck standing directly in the middle of the damn thing. Some of the others, sensing my discomfort, tried to move away, but could only get so far. I _hated_ small spaces. The whole feeling of being trapped did not go over well with me. I could almost feel everyone's hot breath going down my neck. I could see the walls slowly coming in closer, crushing us all together. I was squeezed in the middle, limbs unable to move. I tried to suck in some air, but it was like our oxygen supply was being sucked away. I just couldn't get a good breath.

For what seemed like a lifetime, the elevator slowly climbed to the top. With every second that ticked by, I could feel the very atmosphere slowly pressing in on me, squeezing me, waiting for me to burst.

When the death trap finally dinged and opened its doors at the top floor, I was the first one out, sucking in fresh air like it was going out of style, trying to stop my head from spinning anymore.

Which explains why I didn't notice right off where we had stopped.

As soon as I was able to breathe normally again, I straightened up, taking a look around.

I almost hyperventilated all over again.

Where I was expecting a floor full of fancy offices, I recieved one of the most beautiful landscapes I had ever set eyes on. Huge buildings, palaces almost, among miles of trees, flowers, and other plants, like a giant garden. Everything looked so...Shiny. Golden. Lively.

"Welcome to Mount Olympus, everyone!" Saint announced, clapping her hands together. "Home of the Gods. Now, if you'll just follow me to the summit..." She started to walk off.

"Mount Olympus?" I asked as I followed her. "I thought we were going to the top of the Empire State Building!"

"We _are _at the top." Saint said. "Didn't you know that Mount Olympus is currently located at the top of the Empire State Building?" She said matter-of-factly.

"Can't say I did..." I muttered.

* * *

The summit of Mount Olympus was more like the royal throne room. A great circle of diverse thrones, with a giant fireplace to one side. There were so many thrones around the circle, I could never count them all.

"Each God or Goddess has their own spot." Saint explained. "New rule after that kid saved Mount Olympus. You know, P.J. Errr...Peter. Paul. Pugsley."

"Percy." said a booming voice behind us.

"Ah, yes, Perseus!" Saint exclaimed, turning around. "Thanks, Poseidon."

The rest of us turned around to see a tall, bearded man dressed in bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. So this is the God Poseidon, huh? Looks more like a summer tourist.

"Saint! You arrived." said another man, standing next to Poseidon. This guy was dressed in a business suit and carrying...A lightening bolt?

"Zeus, my man, I got your text." Saint said, holding up her phone.

"Well, you didn't text back..." Zeus complained.

"So, what's the problem, Zeusy?" Saint asked.

"It's about this...War that's being talked about..." Zeus said, looking uneasy. "As our therapist, do you think you could...Take this matter elsewhere?"

War? What war? "Saint, what's he talking about?"

Saint sighed, crossing her arms. "You're going to have to talk to the opposition about that. He's the one who called Olympus as our battlefield."

"Oh, sure, pin it on me."

I turned to look at the owner of this new voice. It sounded...Strangely familiar. And when I looked, I suddenly knew why. The guy was dressed in a Jack Skellington sweatshirt with a baseball cap and black shorts. I almost didn't recognize him out of the uniform I usually saw him in, but as soon as I did, I freaked.

"Jay! It's our co-worker from Subway!" I explained to our group. I turned back to him. "What the heck are you doing on Mount Olympus?"

Yes, Saint and I have part-time jobs at Subway. Why own a therapy center and work at Subway, you ask? Well, mainly because Saint doesn't actually make any money at her center. It's a non-profit deal, only taking payments in the form of what Saint refers to as 'involuntary servitude', better known as slave labor. She does, somehow, find ways to pay some of the other employees, but she and I? Not so much.

"Fang, don't you pay any attention to anything I say at work?" Jay asked. "I'm always hanging out on Mount Olympus."

"Does Niki know you're here?" I asked, referring to his fiancee, our other co-worker.

"Shhh...She's at work right now, She thinks I'm at home napping."

"Ok, ok!" Saint said, raising her hands in the air. "Let's get down to business here."

"What's going on?" Jay asked.

"Zeus wants us to call off our fight." Saint told him.

"Oh, come on Zeus, man!" Jay said. "My reputation's at stake here!"

"I told you it wasn't a good idea!" Zeus said. "Didn't you get my text about it?"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it." Jay grumbled.

"Well, you didn't text back..." Zeus pouted.

"What is this war even about?" I asked.

"It's to stop Saint from spreading rumors about Richard and I." Jay said, referring to another of our co-workers.

"They're not rumors if they're true!" Saint exclaimed.

"What kind of rumors?" Pooky asked.

Even I knew about this story. "Saint's been saying that Jay and Richard are selling Subway veggies on the black market...Oh, and that they might be gay."

"Lies! Blasphemy! Madness!" Jay exclaimed.

"JAY! NO!" Our group began to yell, but it was too late...

"Madness?" King Leonidas asked, jumping out of our group, sword held high. "THIS. IS. SPARTA!" He rushed the nearest tree, 'conquering' it with his sword.

"What's his problem?" Jay asked.

"Way too much fan-based stimulation to certain quote and action cortexes of his nervous system." Saint explained.

Jay blinked a couple times. "Come again?"

"He's one sandwich shy of a Subway platter." I answered.

"_I might be a little bit loco!_" Quil sang.

"A little bit, Quil?" I asked.

"Who are all these...People with you, Saint?" Jay asked, hesitating at his use of the word 'people' after glancing at Pooky.

"My House Calls Team." Saint explained. "A group of highly untrained non-professionals. They defeated the Queen of all Mary Sues, making them worthy of being my proteges."

We're her 'proteges'? News to me...

Jay gave her his usual 'WTF?' face. The one she always gets when she says stuff that just...Goes beyond the realm of typical understanding. "Whatever you say, Saint..."

"I've got an idea." Saint said. "We'll settle this right here, right now. Your team against mine. You go assemble a team, and they can have a little showdown with my team here." she pointed behind her, back at us.

Jay's evil grin almost put as much fear in my heart as Saint's did. "Sounds like a plan..."

What the Hell had she just gotten us into?

* * *

A short time later, we found ourselves standing on a battlefield on Mount Olympus. On the opposite end, Jay was assembling his forces. We were merely trying to understand why we were here in the first place.

"I thought this was a real case, Saint." I told her. "Not us settling a dispute for you."

"I thought it was, too." Saint said. "But now that we're here, we might as well finish this thing so Zeus can have some piece of mind, eh?"

"My Lady, we're here to be your therapy team, not your pawns in this game you and Lord Jay have going on." Spiffy said.

"Spiffy, you're here to do as I say." Saint said. "As your boss, creator, and teacher, I deem this fight...Somehow educational."

"How in the name of Wizard God is this educational?" Pooky asked, gesturing with his wing to the battlefield around us.

"You never know, Pook, you never know..." Saint said, grinning.

"I'm getting this horrible feeling of forboding..." Aragorn muttered.

"You ready over there, Jay?" Saint called to the other side of the field.

"The best I can be on such short notice!" Jay called back.

"Let's get ready to rumble!" Saint called, fist-pumping the air.

I looked around and noticed a small crowd had formed, made up mainly of Gods and Goddesses. I _really_ hoped we didn't make fools of ourselves right then.

Christian clapped and laughed from where he sat on the sideline, being watched over by Hera, Athena, and Hestia. The three goddesses just thought he was 'so cute'. I gave Athena a quick once-over glance and sighed. The toddler was the only one of us who could get some damn action around here.

"This will be a series of one-on-one battles." Zeus announced. "The two contenders will each choose their respective champions to represent them for each battle. Seeing as Saint won the drachma toss we had earlier, she may choose to either send her champion out first, or have Jay choose his first. Saint, your choice?"

Saint just smeared this evil, shit-eating grin on her face. "Ladies first." she said, gesturing to Jay.

"Ha ha ha..." Jay said sarcastically. "Funny..." He turned around, having a quick little pow-wow with his group.

"Why'd you let him go first?" Pooky asked Saint.

"She doesn't want any surprises." I answered for her. "Make Jay put his champion first, so she can throw in an opponent who can match it."

"If I may have your attention!" Jay called out, gesturing to the crowd. "May I present..." Jay moved to the side, allowing his first champion to step forward. "Medusa!"

"Oh, crap." I said, quickly looking at the ground. Even I knew who Medusa was.

"Don't worry, Fang." Saint said. She's wearing some kind of mask...For now."

I took a chance and glanced up to see that she indeed had some sort of simple white mask covering her face. Her hair, if you could call that nest of rattlers hair, slithered around her face, hissing and spitting with every move she made.

Saint smiled. "May I present...King Leonidas of Sparta."

"WHAT?" I yelled out. What was she thinking? Why were we sending the looney toons marathon himself out to meet every man's worst nightmare, personified?

Saint chose to ignore my outburst. "Alright, Leo." She said. "Just head in there with all you've got, hold your sword up high, and conquer."

"Conquer?" King Leonidas asked excitedly.

Saint nodded. "Yes, Leo. Conquer."

King Leonidas raised his shining sword high into the air. "CONQUER!" He yelled, rushing the snake witch herself. I saw her reach for the bottom of her mask and quickly looked away, not wishing to become a pile of granite. I heard a sharp, piercing scream, then a loud 'crack', then everything went still.

"Good job, your majesty." I heard Saint say.

With that statement, I dared to look up. Where Medusa had once stood, I saw instead a very realistic statue of the witch in all her horrific glory. I had to look away quickly, not able to stare upon even a carving of her face for very long. The only thing I had noticed, before looking away, was the absence of a couple of her snakes. I looked down to see the broken pieces of rock that had once been her slithering snake hair, given a trim by King Leo's sword.

"What happened?" Spiffy asked, sounding shocked.

"Her face happened." Saint answered. "As in her reflection. In King Leo's sword."

"Oh..." Was our group's collective answer as Saint stepped forward to pull King Leo away and Jay moved in after to move the Medusa statue.

"Saint, you must send in your warrior first in this round." Zeus stated.

Saint nodded and turned to look at us, cocking her head to the side in thought. "Hmmm...Ahhh..." She smiled that scary, evil smile of hers, just visible under the cloak's dark hood. "Quil, go kick some butt."

We all facepalmed as Quil broke into a the refrain from 'Eye of the Tiger' and stepped into the battlefield.

"What do you expect him to do?" I asked Saint.

"Well, he _can_ turn into a wolf." Saint pointed out.

"But _will_ he?" I asked. She didn't answer.

Across the battlefield, I watched as Jay first observed his new opponent, then turned back to his own crew and pointed one of the members onto the field, gesturing towards Quil with a flourish. A man stepped out of Jay's crowd and made his way onto the field. I squinted, trying to get a closer look at the guy. He looked so familiar, for some reason. Just when I was going to go mad trying to guess, Saint answered my question.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S STEVE TYLER!" She screeched, jumping up and down and pointing.

Oh, yeah. That guy from that Aerosmith band. The ugly one with the really pretty daughter. Ok, got it.

Out on the field, Quil's eyes were bugging out in shock. I had a funny feeling he knew who Steve Tyler was. Either that, or he had some special radar that pointed out anyone that had anything to do with music. I would almost tend to believe it...

_"You say goodbye, and I say hello!"_ Quil sang, waving.

Steve looked at him with that same 'WTF?' face Jay was earlier giving Saint. "You, uh, like to sing, huh?"

_"Sing...Sing a song..." _Quil replied.

"Alrighty then..." Steve replied. "Hmmm...Well, try this! _Whoa oh oh sweet love of mine!"_

_"Whoa oh oh, sweet love of mine!"_ Quil repeated perfectly, grinning.

Steve raised an eyebrow. "Alright...How about '_Cause I'm a road runner... Baby I'm a road runner... baby. Can't stay in one place too long. I'm a road runner baby.'"_

Quil sang again, producing another beautiful exact copy.

And then, the battle began.

_"Won't you please...woo. Don't that sun look good goin' down."_

_"Hey I think you need an attitude adjustment. Knock-down drag out . I got to make myself a latitude adjustment. With or without."_

_"Pulled into town just to check out the sites. Chantilly lace was head to toe in these tights."_

_"For your fantasies my ass don't speculate. I'm just your slave, your master's bait."_

_"Janie's got a gun. Janie's got a gun. Her dog day's just begun. Now everybody is on the run."_

_"You must of come here to find it, You've got the look in your eyes. Although you really don't mind it - I am the Lord of your Thighs!"_

And on and on the two went, back and forth with every Aerosmith song they knew. At first, it was kind of cool. Then...

"Ok, this is annoying." Aragorn said. "I don't even know any of these songs!"

"I know some of them, and I'm still bored..." Saint said.

"Finish him off, Quil!" I called out.

"BUT IT'S STEVE TYLER!" Saint yelled. I grabbed her by the mouth to shut her up.

"Quil!" I called. "Use the secret weapon!"

"NOT THE SECRET WEAPON!" Called out our group.

Now, a little background info. 'The Secret Weapon' was something I had discovered back at the Therapy Center and had used in moments of desperation to get Saint off my back. All I had to do was get Quil started on this song and Saint would run away with her ears covered in disgust. The others were not so impressed with this tune, either. Even I hated the song, but, as they say, desperate times call for desperate measures. I'd just have to deal.

Quil smiled and nodded, then turned back to the old rocker, taking a deep breath. Steve looked at him with one eyebrow raised, probably wondering what this living radio station could do.

Then, Quil began to sing.

_"It's a small world after all! It's a small world after all!"_

"Oh, no, man!" Steve Tyler said, covering his ears.

"You're kidding me!" Jay yelled out.

"NOT THE SONG! MY EARS! THEY BLEED!" Saint screamed, covering her (thankfully blood-free) ears.

"Anything but that!" Zeus yelled as he and many of the other Gods and Goddesses covered their own divine ears in horror.

_"There is just one moon and one golden sun!"_ Quil sang on.

It occurred to me that I was the only one not having a horrible reaction to this song. Saint had once described me as 'incorruptable'. And it was true that Eboby's goth-ifing spell hadn't effected me, but we had determined it was because Saint had been in my way, minimizing the effect of the spell on me.

Or so I thought.

Was I just...Immune?

I decided it was too much to think about at the moment.

I had to give Steve Tyler props. He held out for a while against the evil power of Disney annoyance at its best. But there was a reason that The Land of Mouse kept 'Small World' and 'The Rockin' Roller Coaster' so far apart...Eventually, Steve cracked.

"Someone shut him UP!" He yelled, backing away towards Jay's group again. "That has got to be the most annoying thing I've ever heard!"

Finally, Quil was silent. He grinned at Steve, took a bow towards his godly audience, and walked back to our group.

"Well, that's two down!" Saint called to Jay across the field.

"The war's not over yet, Saint!" Jay called back. He turned and consulted with his group again, preparing to send out his next pawn.

"Nice move there, Fang, though...Annoying." Saint said, giving me a nudge in the ribs with her elbow.

"Thanks..." I said, smiling slightly. Wasn't like it was _that_ big of a deal...

Suddenly, there was a murmuring from Jay side of the field. His group began to part, making way for who I guessed was our next opponent. I turned, hoping to get a good glimpse of this new challenger.

And when I did, my jaw dropped.

And with every step she took, I could feel it dropping lower.

The woman was... A knockout. If she was our next opponent, Jay had already won. Our entire group was watching her, awestruck.

Well, almost the whole group.

"Ah, Lisa from Weird Science." Saint said. "Impressive. Her powers to create should be tough to beat, but it's possible. And don't worry, guys. I know she's intimidating, but you can handle it."

Did Saint have no idea how the male mind worked?

"Where's my cologne?" Spiffy asked.

"I think I'm in love." Pooky added.

"Conquer..." King Leo said, pointing his sword her way. (Do NOT take that sickly!)

"Don't tell my wife about this..." Aragorn muttered.

_"One hot mama..."_ Quil sang.

I found myself trying to smooth out my hair and straighten my shirt as she got closer... And quickly stopped myself. I am _not_ that pathetic, I am **not** that pathetic...

"Now...Which one of you do I send up against this enemy?" Saint said, mostly to herself.

Enemy? She's the enemy? Nah, she's our friend... If Jay can get us her number, I say he wins this stupid battle.

"Pooky!" Saint said, clapping her hands together and momentarily dragging us out of our lust-filled stupor. "You look ready to rumble! Hit it!"

"Oh, I'll do better than hit it." Pooky said, grinning as best as his beak would let him. I nearly facepalmed. Of all the dirty-minded beings I knew, Pooky was one of the worst. And I included Saint in that count. I could only imagine how this would go over...

Pooky waddled/marched out into the battle field smoothing out his non-existent hair as he went. Lisa watched him, arms crossed. one eyebrow arched high in the air.

"Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Pooky asked.

We all facepalmed.

Lisa shook her head. "Do Not Enter."

"Oh, burn..." Pooky said. "Baby, why be so harsh?"

"I believe this is a battle, not a Singles Meet." Lisa told him.

"Why fight, Lisa?" Pooky asked. "What reason do we have to be beating each other up?"

"I owed Jay a favor and he asked me to come." Lisa said. "So here I am."

"You owed him a _favor_ and he asked you to _fight_ for him?" Pooky asked, disbelief hanging in the air around his words.

We all looked at Jay.

He shrugged. "I have a girlfriend, guys."

"He's got a point." Spiffy said.

"Well, you came." Pooky said. "You've done what he wanted you to do."

"A good point, little penguin." Lisa said, smiling.

"Come on, Lisa, baby, I saw a nice little place down the road from here." He took Lisa's hand in his wing. "Follow me down, girl."

"I'll follow you to the place, Pooky. Down? We'll see..." Lisa grinned.

And Pooky led her off the field and down the gold-paved road.

Both sides of the field stared in disbelief.

"Is sex with a penguin legal?" Steve Tyler asked.

"How the Hell did that crazy bastard score a chick at a battle?" Spiffy asked.

"Who, exactly, uh, wins that match?" Saint asked.

"I think we may have to declare that a tie." Zeus said. "Not sure what else to do..."

"I can't believe this...This..." Aragorn stumbled over the right word.

"Madness?" King Leo suggested.

Aragorn nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, we're next up." Saint said. "So...Who wants to march themselves onto that battlefield?"

"Only if there are more chicks." Spiffy said.

"Don't get your hopes up. Spif." I told him.

"Spiffy!" Saint said excitedly. "Head on out there and show 'em your stuff!"

"If they wanted to see my stuff, they could just ask..." Spiffy muttered, but he walked out onto the field anyway.

"Well, there's only one way to make this fight fair." Jay said, sizing up the little hobbit. He stepped aside to let his next champion through.

I almost didn't spot Jay's next contestant, not noticing anyone until Saint grabbed me by the hair and forced my gaze farther down. At first, I couldn't figure out what Spiffy was doing on Jay's side of the field until I realized he was still on our side. The figure standing in front of Jay's group was another hobbit, and a very familiar-looking one at that.

"Pippin!" Spiffy exclaimed.

Pippin looked back at Jay. "Lord Jay, you can't honestly expect me to fight my own second-cousin?"

"Just a friendly fight." Jay said.

"My Lady..." Spiffy said, looking back at Saint.

"It's not like we're asking you to kill him." Saint said. "Just fight him."

The two hobbits stared at each other as they stood on the field, neither wishing to make a move.

"Ok." I said, after watching the staring contest. "This is boring. Can't we just declare another tie and move on?"

"No!" Saint told me, crossing her arms. "Spiffy!" She called. "Do something!"

"Like what?" Spiffy asked.

"Anything but just stand there!" Saint called back.

"Pippin! Make a move!" Jay called out. "Do something! Anything!"

Spiffy looked back at Pippin, but this time, he shot him a grin. Pippin nodded back, grinning as well.

Spiffy turned to the sidelines, pointing to a satyr who was standing lazily next to a couple of loudspeakers.

"Give me something to move to, man." Spiffy called out.

The satyr, surprised to have been addressed, or even noticed, jumped to his feet, quickly grabbing a random CD and putting it on for all to hear.

The minute the song assaulted my unsuspecting ears, I knew it. I don't think there are too many people who _don't_ know of this song.

_All the single ladies!_

_All the single ladies._

_All the single ladies!_

_All the single ladies._

_All the single ladies!_

_All the single ladies._

_All the single ladies!_

_Now put your hands up!_

_Up in the club, we just broke up, I'm doin' my own little thing._

Yep, it was that scintillatingly _annoying_ hit by the beautiful Beyonce in her leotard and robo-glove.

_'Cuz if you liked it then you should've put a ring on it!_

Quil began to sing along to the song, making me want to bash my head into a rock.

And, if that wasn't bad enough, the two hobbits on the field had begun to...Demonstrate the dance that went along with this song. And they weren't bad, either.

"Wasn't this in an episode of Glee?" Saint asked me.

"Like I would know..." I muttered back.

When the song finally came to an end, the two bowed, walking off the field to thunderous applause from the Gods.

"Must be Beyonce fans." I said.

"They should be. She's a daughter of Aphrodite." Saint answered.

"Really?" I asked, but all she did was grin at me from under her dark cloak.

"I'm guessing this is another tie." Jay said, looking slightly shocked by the whole performance.

"You guessed right." Zeus said. "Ok, Jay, send out a champion. And please, if we have one more mind-boggling tie, I'm electrocuting someone."

Jay, not looking at all ready to be electrocuted, looked through the few people he had left on his side, trying to choose his champion wisely. Finally, he turned back to us, that evil smile of his from before spreading across his face. I repressed shivers that threatened to race down my spine.

"I give you... Achilles!" He said, stepping to the side and gesturing with his arms to the man stepping forward from behind him.

Achilles was everything any Greek mythology nut could imagine him to be. There was nothing long blonde-haired Brad Pitt-ish about him. He was all muscle with short, brown hair and a piercing gaze. He was caring a helmet with a red mohawk-type thing going over the top of it. He placed the helmet onto his head and pulled a long, sharp-looking sword out of a sheath. He pointed the sword towards us, challenging.

I stood still as stone in my spot, frozen. If Saint was crazy enough to pit me against this guy, if I survived, I would kill her. And it would be a miracle if I survived.

A small smile spread across Saint's face, barely seen in the shadows of her cloak. "Could one of you lovely immortal people run down to our vehicle and fetch Andúril from under the back seat? King Elessar here is going to need it."

I looked back at Aragorn, wanting to see if he was going to strangle Saint or just make a run for it, but he was doing neither. In fact, he looked... Fairly calm. My surprise lessened as I remember who he was. Elessar, King of Gondor and Arnor, used to fighting battles against thousands of enemies armed only with his sword, Andúril. The guy looked like he could lift buses and knock over buildings with the muscles he had under his shirt. To him, this whole battle probably seemed like a game.

Then, it occurred to me I was spending _WAY_ too much time talking about guy's muscles, so I proceeded to look up at the sky for a moment before rumors concerning my own sexuality started to spread.

When I looked back down, I found out that someone, probably Hermes, had flown down and retrieved Andúril for Aragorn, and he was now giving it a couple quick practice swings before heading onto the field.

As he headed out onto the field towards Achilles, I instinctively took a few steps back, not wanting to get hit by any debris that resulted from this crazy battle.

The two met in the middle of the field, shaking hands, though it looked more like they were trying to break each other's fingers. Then, they both walked a couple paces away from each other, swung around, and the battle commenced.

The whole thing started out strong, with the two of them taking practice swings at each other, taking note of each other's movements and reflexes, searching for that proverbial chink in their armor.

The whole thing escalated quckly, swords clashing and gleaming in the sun. They were aiming kicks, punches, and anything else at each other, whenever the swords didn't hit their mark. The whole battle was a dangerously mad dance, where the one with the worst footwork would go home with more than just sore feet.

As the battle wore on, I began to get worried. Aragorn was being slowly pushed back. He was strong and determined, but a bit out of practice after running along with the Merry Therapy Brigade. And Achilles was like a machine. He just kept swinging and kicking. I swear he even tried to headbutt him once. The guy never stopped. Never showing one weakness.

I looked towards Saint, wondering if I could get her to have Zeus declare an end to the battle before Aragorn got himself killed, but she was watching the pair, intent on their every move. I heard her whispering under her breathe.

"Just a little farther, come on..."

"Saint? I started to ask her, but she put her hand up, shushing me. I looked back towards the battle.

Achilles raised his sword to swing it at Aragorn's head, but Aragorn had spotted the move and swung his own sword to block it. Now, the two were locked together, sword bearing on sword.

"Saint, you've gotta do something! You can't let him get killed!" I told her. I knew Aragorn had a wife, and I did NOT want to have to tell her that her husband got chopped in two because Saint couldn't help but spread rumors.

"He'll be fine." Saint replied, waving me off with her hand. She didn't take her eyes off of the dueling pair for a second.

"He's gonna get killed out there!" I exclaimed.

"Careful, Fang, your feathers are all puffing out." She said, never looking at me.

"Are not." I told her, but I looked anyway. Sure enough, every feather on my wings was standing on end, making me look like I'd just went through the dryer on high. I gave them a flap to put them back in place.

"Aragorn!" Saint called out. "Kick him in the heel!"

"What?" I asked her, but she ignored me.

"Aim for the heel!" She called again.

"Don't let him close enough to try, Achilles!" Jay called back.

The two fought on, not giving any signs that they'd heeded or even heard their leader's comments. Aragorn was not holding out well. He began to bend under Achilles' brute strength.

Then he slid. He landed on his side on the ground, sword still in hand, but Achilles hovering over him, ready to strike. Aragorn pulled his sword back, probably want to make one more last-ditch defensive move, just as Achilles pulled his up for the final blow. I didn't want to watch, but it was like a car wreck; I couldn't stop. Achilles held his sword high above his head, let out a yell and-

Was smashed in the heel by the hilt of Aragorn's weapon.

A different yell came from his mouth, one of pain. He dropped his sword, but Aragorn rolled away at the last second, so the sword stuck safely in the ground. Achilles, meanwhile, tipped over, clutching his heel in pain.

"And that's why we call this part of the body the Achilles Heel!" Saint called out, pointing to her own heel. "Named after Achilles' one weak spot!"

Aragorn pulled himself to his feet, looking exausted but pleased, and made his way towards us. King Leo 'conquered' a chair for him while Quil got him some water. Meanwhile, Zeus kept the competition going.

"Technically, Jay, Saint's already won." Zeus pointed out.

Jay just shook his head. "Not over yet, Zeus. We keep this going right up 'till the last battle."

"Alright, then... Who will you send out, Saint?" Zeus asked.

Did he need to ask? Did we not already know who she would send out? There was only one person left.

"Fang!" Saint said excitedly. "My right-hand man! Go kick some butt!"

I rolled my eyes. "Wonderful..." I walked onto the field, weighing my chances in my head. I could fly, I could turn invisible, I seemed to be near-incorrptible, and I had the Elder Wand in my pocket. I sure wasn't helpless. But would it be enough?

I didn't like the way Jay was grinning as he stepped aside to let his last champion through. I couldn't imagine who else Jay had at his disposal.

"Had to save the best for last." Jay called out. "I give you the Pumpkin King himself!"

Oh, no way...

"Jack Skellington!"

A tall, extremely thin figure, clothed in black, made his way towards me, an evil-looking grin spreading across his round, skinless skull.

I should've known. Saint's love of Maximum Ride was only matched by Jay's love of Nightmare Before Christmas. It made sense.

Jack met me in the middle of the field. We nodded to each other once, then stood for a moment, basically sizing each other up.

"So, what's your big plan?" Jack asked me. "Fly away?"

Rude, for a skeletal freak. "Or just Avada Kedavra you with the Elder Wand." I said, shrugging. "What about you? Gonna throw your head at me?"

"I can do more than that." He said, sneering. "I can paralyze you... With fear. Heard you don't like cages. Claustrophobic, are we?"

"You're planning on locking me in a cage? Good luck keeping me there." I told him.

"Well, your plan's to shoot a dead guy with a killing curse."

Ok, he had a point. "I can do more than killing curses."

We glared at each other for another moment.

"Raised in a lab, huh?" Jack said.

I nodded. "Tried to steal Christmas?"

Jack nodded back. "Took quite the blow from Ari."

"You made quite the epic Santa."

Jack stepped back, letting out a sigh. "This is ridiculous. I don't want to fight you. I have deadlines to make, after all."

"Hey, I don't want to do this, either." I told him.

I've got a better idea." Jack said. He spun around, pointed at Jay, and motioned for him to come forward. "This is your battle. Get up here and fight it!"

I liked the way this guy thought. I turned around myself. "Yeah, Saint. You heard him. Let's go."

"Not exactly an evenly matched fight." Saint said, but she slowly stepped forward, anyway.

"We'll find something you can both do." I told her.

"I don't want to hurt her." I heard Jay say, also getting closer.

"We'll find something safe." Jack replied.

An idea clicked into my head. "How about some kind of sandwich-making contest? They both work at Subway..."

Jack clapped his bony hands together. "Splendid! Zeus, could you have a couple Subway tables set up here, please?"

* * *

In no time, Zeus had two fully-stocked Subway tables facing each other on the battlefield. Saint and Jay both had their gloves on and were surveying their table and the table of their opponent, making sure they had everything and that the other person didn't have something they didn't.

"Do you all know your challenge?" Zeus asked the two.

"Uh, no." Saint answered.

"You haven't told us yet." Jay added.

"...Didn't you guys get my text?" Zeus asked.

Both shook their heads.

"Well, at least now you know why they didn't text back." I pointed out.

"You're challenge is to... Get creative." Zeus announced. "You are to both make a footlong sub that is unique and appealing in both looks and taste. Now, to your stations."

"I've got this in the bag." Jay said, going to stand at the end of his table.

"Don't be so cocky." Saint told him. "Save that kind of thing for Dick."

"Horrible joke, Saint." Jay said, rolling his eyes.

"What? No denial?" She asked.

"And you will not taunt each other!" Zeus added.

The two were silent.

Zeus took a deep breathe, pulling out his phone to check the time. "Now...Begin!"

I'd never seen the two of them more intent on a sandwich. Choosing the bread took almost five minutes as they tested each type for softness and color. It only got worse from there. I watched them inspect meat, dice up veggies, play with the toaster. The smells of Subway's finest began to drift in my direction.

The whole thing reminded me that I hadn't eaten yet.

After what seemed like an agonizingly long time, the both of them reached the end of the line, sandwiches neatly on trays.

"A beautiful roast beef sandwich." Jay announced. "With the only sauce that belongs on it... Teriyaki."

"Tuna melt." Saint said, showing her sandwich off like a Price Is Right girl. "Mixed with diced green peppers, onions, and pickles. And a little hot pepper relish for spice."

"Blech, tuna. Honestly, Saint?" Jay asked.

"Roast beef?" She countered. "Boring."

"At least it's not gross."

"Tuna's not gross! I love tuna!"

"Well, I love roast beef!"

"Guys." I said. "I think this is really all an opinion thing..."

"Look at my sandwich! All those diced up veggies give it such nice color!"

"Polish a penny, and it's still just worth a cent."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're may be pretty, but my roast beef has all the flavor."

"Wanna bet? Try mine!"

"I'm not eating that nasty thing!"

I just shook my head, rolling my eyes,

"Should we break them up?" Zeus asked.

"I doubt we could." Jack answered.

"Let them go until Niki calls Jay, asking where he is," I said. "Then they'll leave. Now, if you'll excuse me..." Motioning to what was left of our therapy group, I made my way over to one of the Subway counters. Grabbing some gloves, I threw together a sandwich for each member of a our group, even making a kid's size for Christian. I wrapped them up and threw them to Aragorn. Then, grabbing Christian from the hands of his goddess fans, I turned to our leader.

"We'll be out in the van, Saint!" I called. She never looked at me, continuing her fight with Jay. "Just come down when you're done!" I started to turn to go, but one more thought crossed my mind.

"And you were right! This was educational! I think I've learned some great anger management skills! All I have to do is avoid acting like you two!"

Without ever looking at me or pausing their verbal battle, the two both lifted their hands and flipped me the bird.

"And thank you for prooving my point." I said, walking out.

Sometimes, humans could be so... Petty.

* * *

Me: And, finally, the end.

Fang: Of a long, confusing journey.

Me: My arm hurts. I'm just posting this insanity.

Fang: And, for the record, both sandwiches are equally good... But not as good as what I made.

Me: What'd you make?

Fang: Steak and Cheese.

Me: Figures.

R&R&...Did anyone get Zeus's text?

**Random Note: **There seems to be some confusion over who 'Quil' is. It's Quil from Twilight, NOT Professor Quirrel or whoever else he's been assumed to be. As for why he sings... Well, in another one of my fics, somewhere in the Fly By Twilight series, Quil sings, like, one line of some song. When I started writing Day in Therapy, I either had that part in mind or was writing it at the same time and just kind of... Had the idea of randomly giving Quil a singing problem. Yeah. Excuse my particular breed of insanity.


	4. SKIP THIS AD!

Me: I'd like to use this short, in-between chapter to let out some of my... Frustration with a certain part of the site.

Fang: The fact you can't do triple crossovers?

Me: No...

Fang: Your on-going rant against some of the Fanfiction Guidelines?

Me:No, but-

Fang: Your annoyance at all the 'no-it-all, report-happy, uppity authors' on here?

Me: OK, FANG!

Fang: Jeez, then what is it _now?_

Me: -.- You'll see...

* * *

Fang's POV

Travelling around, curing the ills and issues of multiple fictional characters is not as simple as picking a route and putting on the cruise control. There's a reason you don't just stumble across fictional characters every day. They're kept seperate, in the many different fictional realms.

Which is what we have to travel through to get to them.

Easy? I think not.

"Why is it, everytime we switch to a different realm, it's like hitting REALLY BAD TURBULANCE?" I yelled from the back seat.

"NOT TRUE!" Saint called back. "Travelling into the CareBear's realm was a walk in the park!"

"Yeah, it just made me sick." Pooky muttered next to me.

"All those colors... And the happiness..." Spiffy said with a shudder.

"_True Colors!"_ Quil started to sing.

"SHUT UP, QUIL!" Was the unified reply.

The van shuddered as it shifted to a higher speed. Where we were now looked like a road floating in the middle of nowhere. Nowhere being a blank, white nothingness. And a very bumpy, twisty road at that.

I tossed a new bucket back to Aragorn, already predicting his complaint. "SAINT! THIS IS LOOKING PRETTY FREAKY!"

"Madness?" King Leo asked warily.

Next to me, safely strapped in his seat, Christian laughed, clapping his little hands, oblivious to the danger around him. Oh, to be a kid...

"We're FINE!" Saint yelled back.

I heard a rumbling beneath us that, for once, wasn't a groan of complaint from the van.

"Wh-what's happening now, my lady?" Spiffy asked.

"Uhh... The ground is rumbling!" She replied cheerily.

"Not helpful..." I muttered as the others facepalmed.

Suddenly, the scenery outside began to shift. I could see tendrils of color sneaking through all the blank white. Solid ground appeared on the side of the road. The windshield wipers kicked into gear as rain began to pelt the glass.

Then, the people appeared. Hundreds of them, mostly dark-haired women, all dressed in towels or bathing suits, washing their hair.

What?

"Aw, DAMN IT!" Saint yelled from the driver's seat. "I HATE it when this happens!"

We all watched out our windows, amazed by the woman showering in the middle of nowhere. Ok, maybe more than amazed. And maybe more than watching.

"Reminds me of my dear Lisa, back on Olympus." Pooky said.

We all gave an involuntary shudder. We still couldn't figure out how a woman and penguin could... You know what? I'm not going there.

At that moment, Saint slammed on the breaks, and I began thanking God that we all had good seatbelts on. As soon as I recovered from the whiplash and seatbelt burn, I leaned forward, trying to see what had stopped us.

In front of us, was a huge, and I mean HUGE sign adveritising L'Oréal shampoo. Then, snaking their way around the billboard were hundreds of little roads, breaking off from the one we were on now. Each of them had a sign, and Saint was scanning each.

"No, don't want to sign up for samples... No, don't need a job with L'Oréal... No, I DEFINITELY don't want to see more of this mess! Naked woman..." Pooky let out a sigh. "No, I don't want to subscribe to anything...AHA!" She exclaimed,scareing the heck out of everyone else in th car.

Flooring the gas pedal, she swung the van onto a road off to the side.

It was marked with a small, gray sign proclaiming, 'Skip This Ad'.

Saint shook her head as we drove. "I know they keep this stuff free for all and junk, but... I hate ads."

Slowly, the scenery around us began to shift again. Pooky groaned as the showering women disappeared, replaced with trees and houses. Telephone poles began to pop into view, lining the sidewalks. The road before us widened and a yellow line appeared down the middle.

Before we even realized it, we were pulling into the crowded parking lot of a high school.

* * *

Fang: Oh, ads. I HATE ads!

Me: They always pop up at the WORST times, too.

Fang: Agreed.

Me: Well, now that we've had this lovely little travelling filler, time to move on to the therapy!

Fang: But not before you...

R&-

TRY RICE CRISPIES TODAY! THEY-

Fang and I: SKIP THIS AD!

R&R?


	5. Musical Therapy

Me: This took... So long...

Fang: She's been slowly adding to it for, like, two weeks.

Me: Then, I had Fangalicous08 beta it for me... 'Cause she's my awesome Gleek friend.

Fang; But now it's done, and we must post it before we fall asleep...

Me: Le post...

* * *

Saint's POV

"What are we, Therapists for Tots now?"

"Silence, Pooky." I said, waving my hand at him dissmissively. "First off, we do _not_ make jokes about our clients. Second, this is a high school, a high school that needs our help."

"With what?" Fang asked, looking up at the building. "Guidance counseling?"

I rolled my eyes. "No. Cliches and Fanfiction-related problems, of course." I lined up my team in front of me, placing Christian in a stroller.

"Everyone, welcome to William McKinely High School, student body: 654." I announced, gesturing to the building behind me. "Inside, we have some students and teachers who are in need of our expertise."

"We have expertise?" I heard Spiffy mutter.

"All this time, I thought we were just winging it." Aragorn added.

I ignored them, pulling some papers out of my pocket. "Fang, Aragorn, and Leonidas, on these papers are your clients, who you will be meeting with inside."

The three of them stared at me blankly. I went on with the ignoring.

I passed out the papers to each of them. "I'll be going in with you, and I'll be taking Christian with me. Principal Figgins will direct each of us to our clients when we get inside. Now, if the four of you would please head in, I need to talk to my two dear OCs..."

Fang rolled his eyes, but motioned to the other two, who followed him toward the building. I put a hand each on Spiffy and Pooky's shoulders, kneeling down to their level.

"And for you two... I have a special mission." I watched the two of them grin, excited at the prospect of something important. Oh, heck, I think the word 'mission' just turned Pooky on...

Actually, I think just about anything turns Pooky on.

Anyways...

"I need you two to go over to Dalton Academy and find out what happened to all the teachers."

Spiffy gave me a salute. "We'll have this solved before you can say 'Warbler'." Pooky nodded in agreement.

"Oh, and take Quill with you." I said. "He'll have his own client over there." I handed Quill his paper and sent the three on their way.

"I'll catch up with you at Dalton!" I called after them.

So began Lima, Ohio's Therapy Session.

***~!GLEE!~***

Fang's POV

"Did you... Hear that?"

"Hear what?" Ms. Pillsbury asked me, giving me a concerned look. As concerned as a deer staring into the headlights of an oncoming semi can look, that is.

"I swear I heard someone sing the word 'Glee'..." I shook my head. "Nevermind. Let's, uh, get down to business..."

Ms. Pillbury let out an awkward laugh. "It's so strange. Usually, _I'm_ the one giving guidance here."

"First time for everything." I answered. "So, what seems to be the prob-... What are you doing?"

Ms. Pillsbury had gotten up from her seat and begun cleaning her desk... With a toothbrush.

"Sorry, just noticed a spot." She said, sounding very apologetic. "Oh, were you going to lean on the desk? Hold on." She went in a drawer and retrieved a mat, which she placed on the desk in front of me for me to lean on. "There, you can put your hands and arms all over that, if you want. Just toss it out when you're done." She sat down, obviously satisfied with the cleanliness of the desk.

"I'm, uh, going to hedge a guess here... You suffer from OCD?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yes, I've had problems with OCD and anxiety since I was a little girl."

"Have you tried anything to treat it before? Therapy and such?"

She nodded again. "Yes, but I can never seem to... Escape it. You know what it's like to...Not be able to escape?"

"Sure do..." I said, rolling my eyes.

She tilted her head, looking at me with those huge doe eyes. "You say that like you have a lot of experience being trapped."

I nodded. "Was raised in a cage in a lab, escaped there numerous times, only to be dragged back and trapped again. Then, no sooner am I free from them, some crazed fangirl kidnaps me to be her therapy center assistant."

"Ah, Saint, the one who's running these sessions." Ms. Pillsbury said.

I nodded. "That'd be her."

"You feel trapped by Saint?" She asked.

"Well, yeah." I answered. "She kidnapped me, then made me her assistant."

"From what I've heard, you do a lot as her assistant."

"Well, there's a lot for her assistant to do." I replied. "Papework, therapy sessions, keeping the therapist from blowing up her clientele."

"You sound very proud of your job." Ms. Pillsbury commented.

"Proud no one's died yet." I said. "And, hey, I _did_ get rid of Eboby there..."

"I have a question for you." the counselor said. "Do you _really_ feel trapped there, or do you just say that as an... Automatic response? A cover-up?"

I stared at the woman. "Why would I-"

"For someone feeling 'trapped', you seem very happy in the place you are now. Not to mention all that you freely do to help the center and Saint. I think you've got some feelings to analyze there."

"But I-" Stupid crazy woman, reading into my life like that! "I just... I suppose I... HEY! Who's giving the therapy to who?"

***~!GLEE!~***

Sue's POV

_Dear Journal,_

_I have to admit, when I first heard Figgins blabbering on about setting up this therapy session, I seriously considered dropping the little former Mumbai Airlines video star in a small cardboard box, carrying him to my house, then forcing him to wax my truck... Using a sponge made entirely of hair shaved from Schuester's overly-greased head. _

_But, despite my obvious lack of need for therapy, the session has gone surprisingly well. It's even left me... Inspired. _

_This therapist has done nothing but motivate me towards my goals. Strengthening my Cheerios, destroying Glee Club, captaining the Fashion Police..._

"CONQUER!"

"Yes, uh, Leo-whats-a-sis... Whatever, Leo. I've got it."

"CONQUER!"

"Yes, I will conquer! But you don't need to-"

"CONQUER!"

"I GET IT YOU OVERGROWN LAWN GNOME! STOP THIS MADNESS!"

This annoying but motivational lawn gnome gave me the strangest look at that point. Then, lifting his head, he screamed towards the second floor...

"MADNESS? THIS IS SPARTA!"

And brought his sword down on my chair, splitting it in two.

I smiled.

"Yes, Leo, yes it is..."

***~!GLEE!~***

Aragorn's POV

"Alright, let's go over this again." I said, sighing. This was _really_ giving me a headache. "You beat up Kurt."

Dave nodded. "Yeah, so?"

"Because he's..."

"He's a fag!" Dave said. "Jeez, what are you _not_ getting?"

"What do you mean, he's a... 'Fag'?"

"He's gay! A homo!"

I just stared at him blankly.

Dave sighed. "He likes guys, dumbass!"

My eyes narrowed. "He... 'likes guys'?"

Dave rolled his eyes. "Like, kissing them and stuff. You know, _likes GUYS..._"

Ok, Saint _never_ went over THIS with me. "Wait, what?"

"You get it now?"

"So, he... likes _guys_." This was, well, unheard of to me. Every day, Middle Earth seemed farther away...

"That's what I've been saying, idiot." Dave glared at me.

"Ok, first, cut it out with the 'idiot' thing, I'm not impressed." I returned his glare with my own. I had no idea why Saint thought I was cut out for this job. "Ok, he likes guys, and I admit, I find that a little... Strange, but it's still not a reason to beat the crap out of him."

"He just... Pisses me off!" Dave retaliated.

"That's still not a good enough reason." I said. "_Why_ does he piss you off?"

Dave looked at the floor for a moment, gathering his thoughts. "Well he can just... And I can't just... No, _he's_ just..."

I rolled my eyes. "Spit it out, Dave!"

"I think I kinda like him." Dave's eyes widened, looking murderous. "That does NOT leave this room! You got that?"

Alright then... "Of course, Dave." Trust me, I felt NO need to try to explain this session to _anyone_. I managed to keep myself composed. "Ok, so _you_ like guys."

"NO!"

I nearly threw my clipboard at him. I wasn't using it, anyway. "But you just said-"

"I refuse to like guys! It's... Sick or something! It's...It's just... I'll get laughed off the football team! Or worse!" Dave looked ready to punch something.

"Ok, so let me get this straight." I took a deep breath. "Kurt likes guys and this pisses you off because you think liking guys is wrong, even though _you_ like guys, which means you like _Kurt_, but that pisses you off even more, and when you get pissed off, you start hitting things, and since Kurt's usually closest when the fists start flying, you hit him."

Dave blinked a couple times, frozen, where he had been about ready to punch the table between us. "Uh, yeah, I think you got it."

"Ok, putting aside the fact that I think you need anger managment." I started. "Why can't you just... Like guys? And don't say 'it's just wrong', I need a better explanation."

Dave was looking at the floor again, probably trying to find a way to respond. Finally, he sighed and looked up. "Being gay isn't accepted around here. You're either like Kurt, and put up with being bullied and tortured, or you hide it like me, let people think you're like them. Then you're accepted. Then you can move up the social ladder or whatever. If I... Came out, I'd lose my teammates' respect. They'd harrass me right off the team, and I'd lose my football scholarship and God knows what else. Not to mention I don't think my dad would be too impressed."

As strange as this all was for me, I started to feel kinda bad for the kid. "Do you really think this whole set-up's ok, Dave?"

Again, he was staring at the floor. But slowly, he began to shake his head. "No, but... It's the way things are. I can't change it."

"You could-"

"If you say I need to come out like Kurt, that's a negative." Dave's eyes glared daggers at mine. "I _can't_. I can't lose my scholarship and I... I can't lose my friends."

"Some friends you have, who would ditch you for something like that."

He started to open his mouth to respond, but I raised a hand to silence him.

"You could stop bullying Kurt. It doesn't do you any good. I heard it got you kicked out of school for a bit." Dave frowned, and I continued. "And alright, keep your scholarship, but when you're finally out of this school and on your own, what'll stop you from being who you are then? School doesn't last forever."

"Do you really think it's that simple?" Dave asked, his voice was full of cynicism, but his gaze had lost a lot of its murderous rage.

"Probably, it's not." I told him. "But it's a start."

***~!GLEE!~***

Saint's POV

I nearly jumped out of my chair. "Alright, that's the fourth time I've had to hear some disembodied a capella group sing 'Glee!'. Is The Voice going into showbiz or something?"

Brad, the Piano Guy, gave me the strangest look, but said nothing. Next to him, Christian was seated, tapping the piano keys and clapping at the sounds they made.

I just shrugged, looking down at my watch, then groaned. "Gah! Kurt's, like, twenty minutes late!" I flopped down into one of the chairs in the empty music room, sighing. "I am so bored..."

***~!GLE-**

"HEY HEY HEY!" I yelled towards the ceiling. "JUST BECAUSE MY CLIENT HASN'T SHOWED UP YET DOES _NOT_ MEAN WE CAN CUT TO THE NEXT PERSON!"

I was on my feet now, tapping one boot on the floor.

"You want entertainment? Fine, I'll give you entertainment, you annoying little disembodied voices! CUT THE LIGHTS!" With a short 'boom', all but the lights directly over me went out in the room, creating a spotlight effect.

I looked over my shoulder at Brad. "Humor me?" I asked with a wink.

He returned it with a grin before I turned back to my invisible audience.

Then, out of the piano, the walls, the very air itself, my music was blasting.

_"What's the time?_

_Well it's gotta be close to midnight_

_My body's talking to me_

_It say,'Time for danger'_

_It says 'I wanna commit a crime_

_Wanna be the cause of a fight_

_Wanna put on a tight skirt and flirt_

_With a stranger'_

_I've had a knack from way back _

_At breaking the rules once I learn the_

_Game_

_Get-up life's too quick _

_I know someplace sick_

_Where this chick'll dance it the flames_

_We don't need any money_

_I always get in for free_

_You can get in too_

_If you get in with me_

_Let's go out tonight_

_I have to go out tonight_

_You wanna play?_

_Let's run away_

_We wont be back _

_Before it's New Years Day_

_Take me out tonight _

_Meow... HA!_

_When I get a wink from the doorman_

_Do you know how lucky you'll be?_

_That your on line with the feline of_

_Avenue B_

_Let's go out tonight_

_I have to go out tonight_

_You wanna prowl_

_Be my night owl?_

_Well take my hand we're gonna howl _

_Out tonight_

_In the evening I've got to roam_

_Can't sleep in the city of neon and chrome_

_Feels to damn much like home_

_When the Spanish babies cry_

_So let's find a bar_

_So dark we forget who we are_

_And all the scars from the_

_Nevers and maybes die_

_Let's go out tonight_

_I have to go out tonight_

_You're sweet_

_Wanna hit the street?_

_Wanna wail at the moon like a cat in_

_Heat?_

_Just take me out tonight_

_Please take me out tonight_

_Don't forsake me - out tonight_

_I'll let you make me - out tonight_

_Tonight - tonight - tonight."_

"Are we doing musical therapy, Saint?"

I spun around to the door, where Fang was giving me one of those rare shit-eating grins and a half-hearted applause.

I gathered my cloak and what was left of my pride around me. "We're helping out Glee, Fang. Someone had to sing eventually."

The lights flickered back on. I thanked Brad and headed over to the door, where Fang stood, just watching me. "You got a problem?" I asked.

He smiled. "You've got a nice voice."

I leaned back a little, inspecting the boy in front of me, making sure I still had the same Fang. "Thanks..."

"Oh, and by the way, your client snuck out of school to go see his boyfriend at Dalton."

Yep, that's the right Fang... Wait... Shit. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" I was out the door and flying down the hall in seconds, calling after Brad to please watch Christian for me. I could hear Fang running close at my heels.

I looked up towards the ceiling. "It's gonna take us a bit to get there, so you can cue to the next therapy session now!"

***~!GLEE!~***

Third Person POV

Anyone looking in on Blaine Anderson and Quil Ateara at Dalton Academy that day would've wondered if they were having a therapy session or a staring contest.

"Are you going to actually... Say anything?" Blaine asked.

Quil smiled, as if Blaine had just said something mildly funny.

_"You can talk to me, talk to me. You can talk to me, you can set your secrets free, baby."_

Blaine's eyes little up. "Are you... Singing?"

Quil nodded. _"Yes, and their ain't no stoppin'!"_

Blaine nearly laughed with delight. "Finally! Someone who gets me. Hey, you mind if I... Sing my problems to you?"

Quil shook his head.

"Alright!" Blaine stood, lifting his arm in the air. "Accio, guitar!" Out of nowhere, a guitar flew into his outstretched hand.

Blaine gave Quil a wink. "Best not to mention my two-year stint at Hogwarts to anyone, ok?"

Before Quil could answer, Blaine was strumming away on the guitar, breaking into an impromptu song.

_"Hey therapist_

_You gotta listen to this_

_Evaluate my options_

_Help me drop all my old presumptions_

_Help me to get through this._

_I'm really not that special_

_Blaine Anderson is only flesh and bone._

_The truth is that I can't stop_

_Singing through my whole day non-stop_

_In fact I'm obsessed_

_Just like now_

_But anyhow_

_I spend my time at Dalton school_

_Trying to be this cool guy_

_I never even asked for_

_And though the truth hurts_

_I think I'm driving my love, Kurt_

_Crazy, with all this warbling._

_I'm just living off the glory_

_Of a Ryan Murphy story_

_I had nothing to do with._

_I just sang there and got lucky_

_So level with me, buddy._

_I can't stop singing._

_But please don't admit me._

_All I can do_

_Is sing this song for you._

_Lalalalala."_

Quil quickly chimed in. _"Rarararara."_

_"Lalalalala Lalala._

That's right, therapist.

_You never asked to be a therapist._

_I never asked to be a singing addict._

_We both just jumped on the bandwagon._

_But all we need is guitar-jamming._

_Lalalalala."_

_"Rarararara."_

_"Lalalalala Lalala._

Thank you, therapist."

Quil gave Blaine a round of applause. He was about to break into song himself, when the door behind Blaine burst open, causing the guitar-jamming duo to nearly jump through the ceiling.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' WITH MAH MAN?"

There stood Kurt Hummel, eyes flickering like little torches, bearing down on poor, unsuspecting Quil.

Quil whimpered, shapeshifting into wolf form and leaping under the nearest table, where he cowered in fear.

"Kurtsie..." Blaine said, his tone soothing. "It's alright. It was just a therapy session."

"I want to know why your therapy session involves serenading some other guy!" Kurt crossed his arms, glaring at his boyfriend.

"Baby, I was singing." Blaine answered. "I sing everything."

Kurt was about to snap back at the shorter boy when the door behind him burst open once again, Causing him to jump to the side.

In the doorway stood Saint and the rest of her house calls staff, minus Spiffy, Pooky, and Christian. Saint was yelling something up to the ceiling about how they could cut to a new POV now, while Aragorn was pointing out that there was a hole in the fourth wall of the room they were in.

Then, Kurt pulled out a knife.

***~!GLEE!~***

Fang's POV

You know when the well-dressed walking porcelain doll pulls a knife that we've just hit horror movie-caliber.

"Are _ALL _you people here to steal mah man?" Kurt asked, sounding slightly amazed.

"Let me think about it... No." Saint said, hands on her hips. "_I'm_ here to pick you up for your therapy session and the rest of my team is here for back-up. And Quil..." She gave a sharp whistle and WolfQuil came loping over to cower behind Aragorn's legs.

Kurt shot Blaine a quick glance, nodding once. Slowly, a smile spread across his perfectly-groomed face.

"I think Blainers and I have an idea on how to solve this problem..." Kurt's smile spread into a Joker-esque grin that sent the slightest shiver down my spine.

Behind us, there was a crash, breaking our horrified gazes at Kurt and causing King Leo to start yelling about 'Madness!' In moments, Spiffy and Pooky were pushing through our small crowd to get to Saint.

"Lady Saint!" Spiffy sounded nearly out of breath. Behind him, Pooky's eyes were wide with horror.

"My Lady... We may have discovered what happened to the teachers..." Spiffy's face seemed a couple shades paler than usual.

"What is it, Spif'?" Saint asked.

"In...In the cafeteria's kitchens..." Spiffy voice was near a whisper. Saint bent down, allowing Spiffy to whisper the rest in her ear. Slowly, I watched as Saint's eyes widened and face began to pale as much as the hobbit's.

She finally stood, turning her horror-filled face to look at me. "Fang... We're dealing with Serial Killer Kurt and CanniBlaine..."

My stomach dropped. For those of you who are clueless, the story of CanniBlaine originated on some kink forum and involved the story of how Blaine was secretly a cannibal and a detailed description of how he and the Warblers tore Kurt apart and ate him. I would actually NOT suggest reading it.

Then, one fan, LillyCrystal, went on deviantArt and made a funny sort of spoof comic on the whole idea, which involved how Kurt was actually a serial killer and how he met Blaine, a cannibal, and fell in love. The comic was actually quite cute, funny, and entertaining.

None of those three words described the two boys before us.

"You know, I think the therapy session's over..." I said.

I was getting ready to back out the door, when I noticed that Saint wasn't moving. In fact, she was just standing there, getting slowly paler. Then, I remembered. After Saint had read the original CanniBlaine kink fic, she'd never been quite the same. Actually, now the mention of CanniBlaine, except in reference to the comic, usually made her...

Faint.

Which is just what she did. I jumped forward and caught her before her head could whack the floor.

I lifted her up, watching Kurt spinning his knife around in his hand, his eyes locked on us. I happened to glance over at Blaine, who was looking at me like I sometimes look at a big piece of steak or a cheeseburger. He was probably imagining what I'd look like fried.

I took a couple steps back. The group was looking at me now, and it suddenly occurred to me that I was now in charge. I repressed a gulp.

I caught King Leo's eye and jerked my head to the side. He got the signal and moved over.

"You can't run..." Kurt said. He began to slowly approach. "Stay for dinner. My Blainers is one _mean_ cook..."

Quickly, I passed the unconcious Saint over to Aragorn. "Run! Get her out of here!" You didn't have to tell him twice. The King of Gondor sped out of the room.

"Spiffy! Pooky! After him!" The two ran after Aragorn, nearly sliding on the smooth floors.

I was about to give another order when I felt something cold, hard, and sharp press against my throat. "Very rude of you not to stay for dinner..." I heard Kurt whisper into my ear.

"CONQUER!" King Leo was beside me in seconds, his own sword pointing right at the serial killer's face, making it obvious that our Leo packed a bigger weapon than Kurt. (Please, don't take that the wrong way.) Kurt hesitated for just a moment, but long enough for me to break free of his grasp.

I pushed Leo towards the door and whistled for Quil, who was quick to catch up as we raced down the hall.

I glanced quickly behind us and saw Kurt and Blaine, holding hands, racing down the hall after us. Kurt had his knife in his other hand and Blaine seemed to be carrying a spork.

Urging the others onward, I quickened my pace, not wanting to become Blaine's pot pie stuffing. We burst through the front doors and into the parking lot. I started looking for our van, trying to remember where Saint had parked it.

Then, the vehicle came to a screeching halt right in front of us. Inside of it, was one of the scariest and most shocking things I have ever seen in my life.

Aragorn driving.

The guy's eyes were as wide as dinner plates and he had a death grip on the steering wheel. I also noticed Saint's unconcious form buckled into the front passenger seat, but I only had seconds to take that all in before we all dived into the back, slamming the door behind us. Then, just as Kurt and Blaine came flying out the front doors, Aragorn hit the gas and sped out of the parking lot.

***~!GLEE!~***

We didn't stop until Aragorn pulled into the Mckinley High parking lot on two wheels, slammed on the brakes, jumped out, and was promptly sick in the nearest trash can.

"Never... Again..." He told me when he finally caught his breath. "Scary... As Mordor..."

I gave him a pat on the shoulder. "Well, thanks, man. You saved our necks back there. That was awesome."

"She's coming to!" I heard Spiffy yell from the van. I ran over to see Saint slowly sitting up in the seat.

"Damn it..." I heard her mutter. She looked up at me. "Everyone safe?"

I nodded. All present and accounted for, apart from Christian, but we'll go get him."

"I expect a full report of everything I missed." She said.

"Of course."

"Can we move on now?" Pooky asked. "I think I'm mentally scarred..."

"Yeah, I think Lima will survive without us." Saint answered. "I just... Can't help feeling like we're... Missing something..."

Suddenly, Quil, who had left to change back into human form and put some clothes on, came around the corner of the school. Behind him walked a group of students. We watched as they came to stand in the middle of the parking lot. Then, Quil snapped his fingers and a pick-up truck pulled out of nowhere with Brad and Christian sitting in the flatbed at his piano. Quil gave him a signal, Brad touched the keys, and music began to blast out of nowhere. Then, with Quil leading them, the students in front of us began to dance and sing.

_I had visions, I was in them,_

_I was looking into the mirror_

_To see a little bit clearer_

_The rottenness and evil in me_

_Fingertips have memories,_

_Mine can't forget the curves of your body_

_So when I feel a bit naughty_

_I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes_

_(But no one ever does)_

_I'm not sick, but I'm not well_

_and I'm so hot 'cause I'm in hell_

_Been around the world and found_

_That only stupid people are breeding_

_The cretins cloning and feeding_

_And I don't even own a TV_

_Put me in the hospital for nerves_

_And then they had to commit me_

_You told them all I was crazy_

_They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, Goddamn you_

_I'm not sick, but I'm not well_

_And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell_

_I'm not sick, but I'm not well_

_And it's a sin, to live so well_

_I wanna publish 'zines_

_And rage against machines_

_I wanna pierce my tongue_

_It doesn't hurt, it feels fine_

_The trivial sublime_

_I'd like to turn off time_

_And kill my mind_

_You kill my mind_

_Mind..._

_Paranoia, paranoia_

_Everybody's comin' to get me_

_Just say you never met me_

_I'm runnin' underground with the moles_

_Diggin' holes_

_Hear the voices in my head_

_I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring_

_But if you're bored then you're boring_

_The agony and the irony, they're killing me, whoa!_

_I'm not sick, but I'm not well_

_And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell_

_I'm not sick, but I'm not well_

_And it's a sin to live this well_

_(One, two, three, four!)_

As soon as they were done, Brad handed over Christian to Quil, the pick-up pulled away, and the students dispersed.

And the rest of us just stood there, gaping.

"Final musical number, check. Now we can leave." Saint finally said. "Now quick, get in the car before the disembodied voices start singing again."

* * *

Me: A big thank you and Dislaimer to RENT for 'Out Tonight', Starkid for 'The Dragon Song' (which I parodied.) and to Harvey Danger for 'Flagpole Sitta'.

Fang: Thank you all for being so patient, waiting for our update.

Me: -eyeroll- _Our_ update?

Fang: Hey! I wrote the whole CanniBlaine part after you passed out! _I_ wrote it! ME!

Me: Yeah, yeah...

Fang: I think _you _may need therapy...

Me: Should I go to Emma?

Fang: -.-

R&R&***~!GLEE!~***


	6. Ruminate Roadblocks

No, I have no idea where this chapter came from.

No, I'm not sure if it has a point.

But, hey, it's an update, right?

Fang: Better than nothing.

Me: At least it'll work as filler until I get something substantial in here...

* * *

Fang's POV

"Tree... Tree... Tree..."

"Spiffy, shut up." I yelled to the back. Spiffy had become bored in the past hour and had started announcing every time he saw a tree, which was often.

"_Yes I am a pirate, 200 years too late!"_

"No, you're not, Quil." I told him, rolling my eyes. I turned to Saint, who was muttering to herself, eyes glued to the road.

"Hey, fearless leader, how about we stop and ask for directions?"

She waved a hand at me dismissively, not taking her eyes off the road. "We're fine, I've got this."

"Saint! King Leo snores!" Pooky whined from the back.

"Deal with it! If you wake him up now, he'll just start conquering the seat in front of him!" Saint replied.

"Lady Saint, I think Christian needs to eat." Spiffy said.

"Give him a bottle or something." Saint said, inspecting each sign that she passed as carefully as she could... Well, as carefully as you can inspect something when you're going 60 miles an hour, that is.

"I think we all need to eat." I told her.

"Not everyone..." Aragorn said, his voice sounding slightly strained. "But I would like to stop..."

"I am on a mission here, people." Saint said. "We've got places to go, people to see..."

"Saint, we're lost." I said. "I think we could stop for a sec, get directions..."

"We are NOT lost!" Saint shot back. "I know exactly where we are!"

"Then where are we, fearless leader?" I asked.

"We are driving through the forests of Raxacoricofallapatorius." Saint said matter-of-factly.

"Really? Oh, Saint and all this time I thought you didn't know where you were- WE ARE NOT ON RAXACORICOFALLAPATORIUS! THAT'S THE HOME PLANET OF THE SLITHEEN!" I snapped.

"How do _you_ know that's not where we are?" Saint asked. "Ever been to Raxacoricofallapatorius?"

"I don't need to go." I said. "There are no humans on Raxacoricofallapatorius. Only creatures like the Slitheen. And I saw enough humans out these windows that we could _ask for directions_."

"They could be Slitheen in body suits!" Saint said.

"Why would the Slitheen be in body suits _on their own planet_?" I asked.

"Excuse me?" Spiffy cut in. "So are we on this... Raxacorintorus place?"

"Raxacoricofallapatorius." Saint corrected.

"Right... Are we there?" Spiffy asked.

"No, we're not there." I said. "Saint's pretending she knows where she is."

"What is this... Ahh... Racalortorimus?" Pooky asked.

"Raxacoricofallapatorius." I corrected. "It's a planet with these giant aliens that kill people, then shove themselves inside the people's skin and pretend to be them."

There was a moment of silence from the back, only broken by a "Eww..." from Spiffy and a gag from Aragorn.

"Have you... Met these creatures?" Aragorn asked.

"Had one in the Center once." Saint said. "Nasty incident. Came in pretending to be a hotdog salesman. Good thing I had Ro-" Suddenly, Saint slammed on the brakes, nearly sending us all through the windshield.

Thank God for seatbelts.

Slowly, we all looked up staring out the front windshield to see exactly what Saint had decided to nearly kill us all over this time.

Standing in the middle of the road, staring at us with one large, round eye was...

A cow.

What, does _everything_ we run into on this trip have to be interesting?

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Saint exclaimed. She honked the horn once. "Move, lady!"

The cow just stood there, chewing her cud, totally unaffected by the therapist having a mental breakdown in front of her.

Saint honked a couple more times. "Move it! I'm driving here! Don't you have some hay to eat? Or some barn to get milked at?"

The cow continued to stand there, completely unfazed.

"AHHH!" Saint yelled. She began smashing her forehead repeatedly against the horn.

"Saint, that's not helping." I told her just as I heard the fateful sound of ripping fabric that meant Leonidas was awake and conquering.

"We might just have to get out and herd her across the road." Spiffy suggested.

Saint sighed, turning the van off. "Alright, I'll go see what I can do."

She got out of the van, slowly walking over to the bovine. I watched as she first spoke to the cow, approached her, began to pet her behind the ears...

Then, she took hold of her collar and began to pull.

And pull.

And pull.

Then get behind her and push.

That's when I got out of the van. "Need some help there, fearless leader?"

She glared at me, one hand on her hip, the other on the cow. "You push, I'll pull."

Our ruminate roadblock seemed completely unfazed by our efforts. Saint was attempting to pull her arms out of their sockets up front while I nearly put my back out pushing. And still, our cow continued to stand there and chew her cud.

"Guess we'll come and see what we can do." Spiffy said, hopping out of the van, Pooky not far behind. Aragorn flew out shortly after them, taking deep breaths, probably to calm his stomach.

"We really need to buy him some Dramamine." Saint commented.

"That's what we need, the King of Gondor addicted to over-the-counter motion sickness meds." I said, turning back to our cow crossing guard. "So, any other ideas on how to get this girl to move?"

"Could we bribe her with food?" Spiffy asked.

"You'd think, if she wanted food, she'd just walk to the grass on the side of the road." Saint said.

"We could give her a nudge with the van. That might scare her into moving." Pooky said.

"I'm afriad I'd hurt her like that." Saint replied.

"Look, let's just go back to the pushing and pulling thing and see if more people can make her go." I said, not wanting to stand around anymore.

So, for another twenty minutes, Saint and Spiffy pulled while Pooky and I pushed. As soon as his stomach settled, Aragorn joined in with the pushing, though I had a feeling he'd probably rather have the cow stay there and not have to ride in the van again.

"This is useless." Saint said, finally having us all take a break. Our beautiful bovine had barely moved an inch.

"Why don't you try one of those rhyming spell things?" Aragorn asked. "That usually does something..."

"Why didn't I think of that?" Saint exclaimed. "Genius, your majesty!" She motioned for us to move out of the way as she stood in front of the cow, arms stretched towards her in some sort of, 'I'mma-Do-Magic-So-Watch-Out!' pose.

* * *

**On our way, we need to be**

**But you block our path, you see**

**Please move to the side of the road**

**Before you become squished like a toad.**

* * *

And...

Nothing.

"Damn it." Saint said, lowering her arms.

"Why did I think that wasn't going to work?" I asked no one in particular.

"I don't get it. My rhyming spells just don't have the kick that they used to." Saint said sadly.

"Maybe you phrased it wrong." Spiffy suggested. "More like... Ummm..."

* * *

**You cow now are in our way**

**And we want to move on today!**

**So move aside to the nice green grass**

**Before we have to kick your-**

* * *

"Please rephrase!" Saint said, crossing her arms.

* * *

**So that my friends and I might pass.**

* * *

"Better." Saint said.

"But unaffective." Pooky said, pointing to our still-immobile cow.

_"Who let the cows out? Moo moo moo moo!"_ Quil sang, getting out of the van.

"I'd love to know, Quil." I answered.

"Madness!" King Leo said, following and lifting his sword.

"Leonidas, you will NOT conquer this cow!" Saint said, shaking a finger and the king.

"Hey, question. Why the heck do we even let him carry a weapon?" I asked. No one bothered to answer.

"I know!" Saint said, clapping her hands. "Why didn't I think of it before?"

"What is it, my lady?" Spiffy asked.

"The cow is _obviously_ one of the natives of Raxacoricofallapatorius and is trying to block us from achieving our goal!" She exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes. "Saint, for the last time, we are NOT on Raxacoricofallapatorius!"

"So _you_ think..." She answered mysteriously. I chose to ignore her.

"Why don't you try that evangelistic preacher thing you do?" Pooky asked.

Instinctively, I rushed to the van to take cover.

"Fang! I'm not using the technique! Relax!" Saint called after me.

"I'm fine!" I yelled back. "Just getting Christian. Shouldn't be leaving kids unattended in the car..." I muttered loudly, bringing the kid out with me.

Saint smiled. "Sure you were... Anyway, I'm afraid I'd fry the poor girl doing that."

"Mmmmm... Steak..." Pooky said, rubbing the tips of his wings together like hands.

Spiffy clapped a real hand over his beak. "Shhh! Not in front of the cow! You'll upset her!"

Pooky rolled his eyes.

"Can't we just go back and find a different route?" I asked, bouncing Christian a bit in my arms. "It's not like we knew where we were going anyway..."

"Quitter." Saint said, rolling her eyes.

"Or we could just, ya know, drive around..." Aragorn said. "I think the van can drive on grass..."

"What kind of quitting attitude is this?" Saint asked, putting her hands on her hips.

"The sensible kind." I answered. "We're wasting time trying to push a cow out of the road when we don't need to."

Saint shook her head. "We will never leave Raxacoricofallapatorius if this sort of mood keeps up."

I groaned, handing Christian to Quil. "Saint. Fang. of. Boredom. For the FINAL time, we are NOT and have NEVER BEEN on Raxacoricofallapatorius!"

"What is this Raxaricotorian place?" Aragorn asked.

"Raxacoricofallapatorius." Saint corrected. "Fang refuses to believe we're there."

"Because we're NOT." I yelled back. Do you SEE any Slitheen or their kind here? They're gigantic alien-types! We'd notice!"

"THEY'RE IN DISGUISE!"

"NOT ON THEIR HOME PLANET!"

_"Why they gotta go and make things so complicated?"_ Quil asked the others in song.

"'Cause they can't decide if we're on Rexasauruscorinthtaurus." Pooky answered.

"Raxacoricofallapatorius!" Saint corrected.

"Which is NOT where we are!" I added.

"Madness..." King Leo said, staring.

"Raxacoricofallapatorius." Christian said, pointing his stuffed toy at King Leo.

Dead. Silence. Even the cow stopped chewing her cud.

"Did he just... Say his first word?" Saint asked.

"I think he did..." I answered.

"Yeah..." Aragorn said. "He said... Uhhh... Racomorntho..."

"Raxincorto..." Spiffy said.

"Rexenthuro..." Pooky attemtped.

"RAXACORICOFALLAPATORIUS!" Saint, Christian, and I exclaimed, Christian clapping his hands excitedly.

At that moment, our cow friend let out a scared moo and trotted to the side of the road and off into the field.

We just stared at the empty space where our roadblock once stood.

"So... Should be on our way, huh?" Saint finally said.

"Yep..." I replied.

_"On the road again!"_

"SHUT UP, QUIL!"

* * *

Me: I hope all the Doctor Who fans out there got the 'Raxacoricofallapatorius' reference.

Fang: I think you and I should get a round of applause for being able to spell 'Raxacoricofallapatorius'. And say it.

Me: I'm surprised you can. Sitting there and complaining about my 'dorky Doctor Who show'.

Fang: I didn't understand before, give me a break.

Me: I love your admiration for Captain Jack Harkness.

Fang: I would go gay for Captain Jack Harkness for the simple fact that he would leave me no other choice.

Me: Please, someone, take what he just said and post it to Twitter, Tumblr, etc. Make it go viral before Fang realizes what he just said and has it deleted.

Fang: I'm kidding.

Me: You can't save yourself now. You just admitted to having a thing for Captain Jack. :D

Fang: I merely apprieciate his character and his... Love. Of everyone.

Me: Whatever...

Fang: Seriously, the guy's a whore.

Me: You're a whore for him.

Fang: -eyeroll-

Me: Someone, please, write the fanfiction for this so I don't have to. This needs to happen, but I don't have the time...

Fang: I am not gay, Saint. I was just making a point about Captain Jack's extreme pansexualness-

Me: LA LA LA, NOT LISTENING!

R&R& ...Yeah, Captain Jack Harkness IS that good-looking. :P


End file.
